i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
