I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize