The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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