you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
