I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
