i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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