foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
