I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize