you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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