I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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