I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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