Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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