Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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