Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize