I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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