I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize