You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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