i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
