All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
