he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
