one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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