Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
