She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
where does the pee come out of this thing
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
