Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
