Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
