You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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