I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
