Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
