Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
