Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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