She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
