I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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