He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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