I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
