mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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