No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
