all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
