i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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