Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
