Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
