i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm really busy with my period
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