She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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