Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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