went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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