Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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