I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
