Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
