i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
