Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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