I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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