I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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