if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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