I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
