anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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