mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
