Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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