Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
