You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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