If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
