How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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