there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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