He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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