Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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