Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
