I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
