the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
