By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
