I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Randomize
