Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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