I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
