I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
