I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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