we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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